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Feb 06, 2009
The Lost Little Giraffe
What are you doing in The North Pole, Giraffe? You don't belong there, you're a Giraffe.
So there I was, finishing up my work for the day, preparing for a night with the other giraffes from my herd. Ferry, Finn and Mark were going bowling and asked me if I'd meet up with them to hang out and have a few beers. Of course I said yes, it sounded like fun.
As most of you know, I started a new job this monday. I'm not too familiar with the area but North Bowl was pretty close. I've already been walking 45 minutes to work in the mornings, so a little tromp to the bowling alley was nothing.
I stayed late to finish up some work and to give the boys a chance to get to the bowling alley. To prevent any mishaps I asked one of my coworkers for directions. Apparently it was "a few" streets up and right around the corner. Excellent.
I put on my coat and pulled up my hood and headed out in to the brisk evening.
I'll put this in to perspective for you all. I work at the crossing of Fourth and Brown, which is up in Northern Liberties. The place I wanted to head to was at 2nd and Poplar. It SHOULD have been easy.
I started off walking towards 2nd street. After a block or so I thought I'd get clever and look for Poplar while walking up 3rd street. No reason in particular why I turned, I just felt like it.
Anyway, I headed up a few streets and I didn't see Poplar yet, so I figured it must be a bit further. Eventually I came to a fork in the road and I picked the one on the left and kept going. Meanwhile, around me, the houses were turning from middle class to the abodes of those less fortunate, graffiti was springing up a bit more often and the general atmosphere of the place was taking on some seriously negative undertones.
Probably not a good place to be walking at night.
By this point I figured I should probably turn on the GPS on my phone so I knew exactly where the hell I was and where I wanted to head to. After a few moments of fiddling the strangely calm voice of my phone started giving me directions to 2nd and Poplar. Apparently it was 4 miles away. Strange.
I did a quick check of my surroundings and realized I was at North 5th street and Girard. Not that my clever deduction helped me any, I still didn't know where the hell I was in regard to anything else. My phone told me to keep traveling up 5th for a little while. Figuring I was pretty close, I pressed on.
After about 5 minutes I came to a crossing of some streets. I double checked the GPS again.
FUCK.
The phone thought I was driving so it was giving me the long winded instructions. Way to work technology, asshole. There was no option for walking so I just shut the dame thing off. I couldn't find a sign so I checked to my left. Gangsters, about 4 of them on the corner. I probably didn't want to go that way.
So then I checked to my right. More Gangsters, lovely. There were a few things I wanted to do by this point, getting caught in the middle of a turf war was not one of them. It was either keep going forward or turn tail and run back from the way I came. With another look around, I spotted a grocery store a bit further down the road, so I hurried up towards it.
As it started coming further in to view, I started noticing a few things. First and foremost, this place was a fucking shit hole. There were hobos and hookers ALL over the place. I didn't really want to go in at first, so I pulled out my phone and called the two Taxi services I had in my contact list.
Ring, ring ring.
Ring, ring ring.
Nothing. Great, both of them were shut. That left one option; The journey in to the gates of Hell, the Grocery Store known as Cousin's something or other. One thing was certain, I was no cousin to any of these people.
I quickly shuffled my way passed a few of the people by the door. I passed the first person, the second and even the third without any issues. The fourth, however, grabbed my ass. I'm not talking a little brush, this bitch grabbed a whole cheek! Much like Mika's song this girl was BIG (albeit a bit less beautiful). I turned and smirked (What would you do?!) and she said something along the lines of, "OOH! BOY! DON'T BE FRESH!" As if I was the one who grabbed her. I'd have lost my hand in the folds of fat if I tried (not that I'd want to).
Anyway, I hurried inside the supermarket. I went to the first place a little white boy like myself tends to go when things go awry, customer service! As much as I was hoping otherwise, the help was awful. There was a very bored looking girl who couldn't have been older than 15 tending to the counter. Chewing bubble gum and making those god awful crackling noises that everyone and their mother hates.
A few questions later I was left without any more of a lead than I had earlier. Weirdly enough, the security guard overheard a few of my questions and told me his cousin (ironic, I know) was a cab driver and that he would call him to see if he'd pick me up and take me to the bowling alley. Yes, friends, after all that I was still going to get my beer. I needed it.
The security guard made the call, exchanged a few words with someone on the other end, something about having the car and being willing to come out. He made the arrangement and quickly hung up. Apparently the Taxi driving cousin would be here shortly. He said he was going outside so that the dregs wouldn't fuck with his cousin's car. Fantastic!
I don't remember how long passed between the call being made and the guy actually arriving, I wasn't counting, I was sitting in his Security Guard chair twiddling my thumbs.
Eventually, he motioned for me to follow him outside. Standing next to him I looked around a little bit. I didn't see a Taxi cab. He pointed to some silver SUV and said his cousin Mike would be taking me back to the bowling alley.
Now, I have two choices. Do I get in the car and get a ride to the Bowling Alley or do I just pass and walk back the way I came?
It was getting late and I didn't want to be rude so I walked over to the car and knocked on the window. Some dude rolled down the window and I swear he had a joint in his mouth.
"Are you Mike by any chance?"
"Yep."
"Your cousin over there said you'd take me to the Bowling Alley?"
"Get in."
Oh boy. I didn't really have much to lose except my life by this point, so I got in the car. We didn't really talk too much during the car ride. Mike cursed a bit at the traffic, and we made small talk about what we both did for a living. Oddly enough, he was a police officer and he enjoyed being paid to CARRY A GUN.
Buildings were passing in a blur. I finally noticed the alley out of the corner and motioned for Mike to let me off at this corner. I didn't see a meter ticking or anything so I just asked him how much I owed him. He said to give him a 5 and he'd call it even.
I only had a 10 and there was no fucking way I was asking him for change. I gave him the bill and acted like I was being generous by letting him keep it all.
A few long minutes later, I was sitting down with my friends having a beer and eating corndogs and tater tots, as if the previous events never even happened.
I assure you, they did.
Posted by Seriouslysean on 02/06/2009 12:05 PM in Insane, DO NOT WANT, WTF?
Comments
Ferry
02/06/2009
We may need a section that just includes the ridiculous situations you get yourself into, Sean.
Chris
02/06/2009
Haha, you so crazy. I would have peed my pants and called for someone to pick me up.
haveboard
02/06/2009
Oh man. Sean, have you ever lived in a city before? You owe $ to the google jar for this one.
Wendy
02/06/2009
Poor Sean....life in the big city! lmao! Try & stay safe..carry mace.